Sorry, Not Sorry
Apologies are not easy for even the best of us. If we examine what we tell ourselves about them, we may see apologizing as making us appear weak, not having a backbone, not being dominant, as conceding, etc. Perhaps we aren’t invested in the hurt party, or perhaps we think apologies are futile. If we shifted our thoughts about apologies to being beneficial to work and personal relationships, role modeling accountability to troops/kids/peers, learning about left/right limits, appreciating others’ perspectives and falling in line with our values, we may be more inclined to offer them. Many of us have been guilty of half-hearted ones, such as my personal fave: “I’m sorry you’re so sensitive.” “I’m sorry if...” is conditional, “I’m sorry that you...” can be blame-shifting, and “I’m sorry but…” is perceived as excuse-making; these do little to heal and repair and do not convey ownership fully. Conversely, some of us over-apologize to reduce anxiety/conflict, often triggered by how we view ourselves. Harriet Lerner, author of Why Won’t You Apologize, identified 9 essential ingredients of a true apology:
Does not include the word "but.” This cancels the apology and often includes a criticism.
Keeps the focus on our own actions and not on the other person’s response. E.g. “I’m sorry about what I said last night; it was uncalled for” vs “I’m sorry you felt like you were hurt”
Includes an offer of repair that fits the situation. E.g. “I am sorry about forgetting our dinner plans and I will be more mindful of our time together.”
Does not overdo. Focus on acknowledging the other’s feelings without overshadowing with our own remorse or making it about us.
Doesn’t get caught up in who’s more to blame or who started it. “I’m sorry for my part in this” can be helpful, even if we feel we’re only 10% to blame.
Requires that we do our best to avoid a repeat performance. Make a sincere effort to be more attentive to the concern.
Should not serve to silence. “I already said I’m sorry, so why do you keep bringing this up?” < “I know you’re still hurting, and I’m sorry about that. What can we do to move forward?”
Shouldn’t be offered to make us feel better if it risks making the hurt party feel worse. Making amends might be part of our healing process, but if the other party doesn’t want to hear from us, we must find another way to move forward.
Recognizes when “I’m sorry” isn’t enough. A significant hurt or betrayal requires investment and repair work to restore trust.
Whether you adopt some, all or none of these, being intentional and congruent with your personal values are solid goals. Note that even the most sincere and well-intentioned apologies may not achieve the desired outcome. You can only control you and your response, and if you’re comfortable with both, do your best to let it go.