What is co-regulation?

The relationships we have with our spouse or partners are powerful. They have the ability to calm us, to provide security, safety, nurturing, attachment. Conversely, they can also ignite the most intense feelings of anger, loss, abandonment and rejection within us. This is because on a subconscious level, we look to our partners to meet the same needs that were met or unmet in our childhood with our caregivers.

Coregulation in couples is the process by which partners influence each other’s emotional and physiological states through their interactions and responsiveness. The more amped one partner gets, the more anxious/angry/shut down the other may get. The more regulated and composed one is, that mitigates a reaction from the other. See my post on the survival brain for more info.

So what are some ways to cultivate coregulation?

-Responsive interaction. Being attentive and responsive to each other's emotional cues helps partners regulate their emotions more effectively. This can involve noticing if something is up with your loved one and showing interest to inquire further, active listening, validating feelings, and offering comfort in a way that is meaningful to them.

-Emotional Support. Reassurance, empathy and understanding can immediately evoke downregulation and slow a stress response. It also promotes a sense of safety and connection.

-Nonverbal Communication. Facial expressions (watch that unwitting WTF, this again? or RBF look), body language, and touch can play a critical role in communicating love, support and attunement. Think good eye contact, putting down the phone/electronics/dishes, and leaning in.

Coregulation can strengthen the bond between partners and enhance emotional intimacy, contributing to a healthier, more regulated and more mutually satisfying relationship.