Turning Towards
Your partner passes by you in the kitchen and gives your waist a quick squeeze and you remove the hand and go about your business at the stove. She sighs audibly while looking at news headlines on her phone in the morning and you stay silent. He texts “what do you want to do this weekend?” and you respond “IDK, whatever.” He looks agitated upon receiving a message, and you don’t inquire what’s up. She unloads about her day and some of its frustrations, and you say “mm-hmm” or “that sucks” but your eyes never leave the game or your group chat with your buddies. He plops down close to you on the couch and traces your arm lightly with his fingers but your gaze remains locked on the show. She wipes away a tear and you chose not to engage as you don’t have the bandwidth that evening – she’ll talk if she really wants to get into it.
In romantic relationships, partners make bids for connection daily, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. Relationship researcher John Gottman found that couples who reported greater satisfaction and longevity in their relationships were more likely to turn towards each other during these bids. In fact, turning towards was found to be a greater predictor of satisfaction than grand romantic gestures. They can be overt, e.g. “What do you think about this?” or micro-moments, such a nonverbal gesture. It is all too easy for us, given constant stress from multiple domains of our lives to miss these micro moments for connection; perhaps we are tired, perhaps we don’t have the energy to engage, perhaps and most likely, we honestly didn’t notice and had no mal intent to ignore. Turning towards builds trust, closeness, and security. There are 3 responses to a bid:
Turning towards: acknowledging the bid. “What’s going on, babe? You seem upset/pissed/quiet/distracted.” Or “Yeah, definitely want to hear about what happened at work. How’s the new project going? What’s up with your new boss?” (and if necessary: “Just let me settle in and change and I want to hear about your day”- decompression time is often necessary before you can feel present).
Turning away: ignoring or unintentionally missing the bid. This can be a lack of response, or a distracted/disengaged “yeah/uh huh/yup.”
Turning against: rejecting the bid in an argumentative or belligerent way. “Dude, are you serious right now?” or “I don’t see what the big deal is” or “you’re totally overreacting and getting emotional about this.”
*Couples’ Exercise: Share this concept with your partner and ask yourself:
What type of bids do I or my partner tend to make?
How good am I about recognizing them?
What does it feel like when my partner doesn’t turn towards me?
How can I get better at turning towards and noticing?
Turning towards starts with paying attention to the verbal and nonverbal cues. Simply recognizing a bid opens the door to an opportunity to respond and connect, and conveys “I’m interested in you/what you have to say,” “I notice you,” and “I got your back.” Be on the lookout for playful gestures, affectionate touches, requests for input, wanting to vent, or nonverbals such as sighs, grumbling, laughing, even grunting, as expressions of an emotion that may invite engagement. Same concept applies to your children. “Mommy/Daddy, watch this!” can grate even the most patient nerves at times, and we want to raise independent kids who recognize that the world is larger than them, but recognize these bids from children as requests for affirmation/security/dependability.
Do you need help navigating your relationship? I’d love to talk.