Attached & Attuned: Building Security in Your Relationship
Why build a secure base?
Security in our relationship or marriage is associated with greater satisfaction and reduced anxiety. It buffers us against conflict and misinterpretations, taking things personally, feeling encroached upon, and feeling undervalued. It allow us to give our partners more grace, trust, bounce back from friction sooner, and communicate openly without fearing judgment or hurtful reactions.
In relationships, there’s often a dance between space and security, independence and connection, separateness and togetherness, according to expert Esther Perel. This is a dynamic I frequently encounter in my couples work; navigating it requires self-awareness and intention from both partners. Roles may swap throughout the cycle of the relationship, but often there is one partner who fears losing the other, while one fears losing themselves. Striking a healthy balance between closeness and independence is key. This balance depends on the priorities, values, culture and traits of the individual and couple, and each partner’s attachment style.
Very simplified, there are 4 attachment styles:
Anxious: fears being alone, abandoned, may need more reassurance/contact/affection, desires emotional and physical closeness, can be sensitive to others’ emotional states, worries about state of relationship, may be preoccupied with partner’s behaviors.
Avoidant: fears loss of autonomy, is highly independent and self-sufficient, may desire emotional intimacy but feels uncomfortable when too close, can be sensitive to feeling controlled, has difficulty trusting others and committing, exhibits distancing behaviors, e.g. withdrawing, dismissing partner’s feelings, blaming, shutting down.
Disorganized or Anxious/Avoidant, sometimes called Fearful Avoidant: combination of above, can send mixed signals and finds it hard to maintain relationships, craves but also fears closeness. Could find it difficult to believe their partner would love and accept them, and thus may prematurely break it off.
Secure: maintains healthy boundaries and balance of independence and reliance on others/partner, is comfortable with trust, emotional intimacy and communicating wants/needs/feelings, is emotionally regulated rather than reactive in conflict, has strong self-worth. Can take ownership, apologize, is accepting of others’ differences.
Attachment styles and their ensuing behaviors are a culmination of early relationships with your parent or caregiver, life experience, and relational history. Factors which influence attachment style include attentiveness, attunement, consistency, stability and engagement of your caregiver or previous intimate partners. Your attachment style can shift over the course of your relationship or throughout your lifetime. The encouraging news: relationships offer a venue for a corrective emotional experience, i.e. a space in which you can potentially receive the nurturing, consistency and independence you may not have received from your caregiver or from previous partners, and can thus build more secure attachment. Think growth vs. fixed mindset: Instead of confining you and your partner to attachment style labels, use these brief descriptions as a starting point to look inward. What are your tendencies in romantic relationships? What’s your comfort level with emotional intimacy and commitment? When do you feel the most secure and at ease in your pair? When do you feel unsettled? How might your attachment style or tendencies be impacting your relationship? What might healthier look like?
What bolsters the security we feel in our relationships/marriage? (answers derived from the experts, my practice and my clients:)
*Reliability, dependability and follow through – remember, trust goes beyond fidelity *Empathizing and validating vs. dismissing their feelings *Showing up both in good and tough times *Emotional availability *Engaging, showing curiosity and interest *Respecting each other’s different needs and wants *Feeling prioritized and valued *Being considered *Feeling heard and seen *Emotional safety to have hard discussions *Mutual trust *Fair conflict *Direct respectful communication (vs. passive aggression or expecting mind-reading) *Sharing vulnerability *Self-regulation (responding vs. reacting) *Personal time *Playfulness *Give and take, shared labor *Effort *Appreciation *Accountability vs. blame-shifting *Realistic expectations *Independence *Giving the benefit of the doubt *Showing love in a way that’s received *Displays of commitment *Shared traditions/humor/meaning *Smaller, consistent gestures
This is by no means a comprehensive description of attachment theory. Consult me individually or as a couple for an in-depth exploration of your attachment style, behaviors commonly associated with the different styles, how they impact your relational health, and strategies to build security within both yourself and your partnership. I highly recommend reading Attached by Levine and Heller for more background.
Building Security: Questions for You & Your Partner
What do you need to feel more secure or relaxed around me?
How can we let each other know if we want reassurance?
What type of comfort would you appreciate if you’re not feeling secure? Be specific please to set us up for success.
How do you prefer for us to make up after a disagreement?
What type of communication would you like if I’m TDY, deployed, out for a night? What’s a reasonable compromise?
How can we ask each other for alone/decompression time in a way that doesn’t feel rejecting or abandoning?
What is your preferred love language? What type of words, gestures, touches, QT, gifts are meaningful to you?
Do you want a solution or to feel heard/vent when you’re upset?
What do you want me to understand better about you?
What makes you feel closer/more connected to me?
How can I show up for you today?
If you need help navigating this, please feel free to reach out to me!