Getting Ahead of Anger
Experiencing anger can sometimes induce guilt and shame in its aftermath, so us therapists tend to emphasize that it is a natural human emotion. Sometimes it’s a mask for fear/uncertainty/sadness/emptiness, but sometimes it’s an emotion in its own right, often justified. Anger can indeed be mobilizing, but its expression can make us vulnerable to being perceived as unsafe, erratic, or unfair, or acting incongruently with our goals. Managing your anger response may not be your focus, but think of who you want to be as a teammate, spouse, leader or parent, and ask yourself objectively if this emotion is getting in the way. To mitigate and channel the effect of this emotion:
Increase self-awareness. Periodic body scans (you can set your watch for hourly reminders) allow you to take note of any muscle tension (look for tightness in jaw, back, neck, pelvic floor, fists, temples, etc.), check your heartrate, and your facial expression. Biofeedback monitors are cool tools, but most smartwatches have an HR feature. Get comfortable knowing how your body holds and expresses stress; these are your physiological cues to your emotional state and can warn you if you’re escalating. It’s better to catch our anger at a 4 or 5 out of 10 surpassing a 10.
Know your triggers. These are personal to you. Is it perceived disrespect, disagreement, others’ emotions, eye rolling, tardiness, interrupting, mouth noises (misophonia is a real thing!), unpreparedness, lack of accountability, etc.? More than likely, those triggers have a strong past association. Make a list of times you’ve lost your cool, or been accused of overacting or misunderstanding someone’s intentions. What behavior do you typically exhibit when triggered, e.g. defensiveness, rage, resentment, shutting down? Then identify your thoughts. Remember, it is our interpretation of events that evoke certain feelings, and our feelings which evoke certain behaviors. Am I telling myself that because my colleague disagreed with me in a meeting that (s)he is devaluing and dismissing me? If so, I’m likely to feel slighted/insulted/embarrassed, and my behavior may be defensive or even aggressive. What if I told myself instead that (s)he can be combative at times, and maybe I’m feeling on the spot or called out, but that healthy debate keeps us sharp and broadens our perspective, even if it leaves us flustered? So what thoughts/interpretations do you tend to have immediately prior to your reaction? What do you tell yourself about the situation/person? Knowing your triggers can a) help you anticipate situations that may arouse anger and b) allow you to challenge some unhelpful or inaccurate thinking that may be fueling your anger.
Align anger with purpose. Again, anger is natural, and we can explore the neuroscience behind that any time. But before responding, ask yourself a) what is my purpose here? b) will this reaction this build a bridge or a barrier to my intended outcome? c) does this reaction demonstrate me at my best and how I want to be seen? As stated above, anger can motivate us into action, but channeling that fire into productive action, i.e. to enhance my relationship, my child’s abilities, my subordinate’s performance, my team’s mission, my own goals, is key. Many of us avoid difficult conversations due to fear of escalating anger and potential conflict. Suppressing emotion through avoidance and numbing agents can lead to physical and mental health concerns, so please explore ways to productively channel emotion into purposeful and intentional action.
B.A.T. (Breathe. Acknowledge. Time.) Ensure you are not responding with reactivity by reducing your physiological arousal with a deep (diaphragmatic) breath. This also bides you a few moments to take that strategic pause and evaluate your response, particularly if you’re caught off guard. Next, acknowledge what’s being said. Acknowledgement does not = agreement. Time – set a time to circle back in which you can be more productive, e.g. “I’d like to respond more fully to this; let’s reconvene in 15 min/at 1600/tomorrow AM.” This B.A.T. technique puts you back in control, allows you to take charge of and evaluate your anger, and respond more articulately and intentionally when you’ve had time to separate feelings from facts and can course correct as needed.
The goal is to rewire our automatic responses that we’ve used for years into more productive ones. Eventually it gets easier and becomes more fluid.