Expanding Conflict Capacity

The beginning of a crisis is often marked by unity and shared purpose, often survival, but as the dust settles, conflict can emerge both organizationally and at home. Some of us enjoy conflict, some of us can meet it head on because addressing it lowers our stress level and fuels productivity, and for many of us, avoidance is the M.O. because the mere thought of conflict induces anxiety.

Conflict capacity is to ability to stay with difficult circumstances without being dictated by our anxiety response, i.e. fight, flight or freeze. Traits associated with high conflict capacity are curiosity, wanting to empower others, and having a growth mindset, i.e. the belief that abilities can be improved. When we’re at max capacity/tired/burnt out/sleep-deprived/hungry/hangry, defensiveness, anger, irritability and impatience abound. Marlene Chism, author of Stop the Workplace Drama and No Drama Leadership, identifies some steps to increase this capacity:

Identify your patterns. Do you react or retreat? Do you tend toward aggression? Try to self-reflect without judgment. We all have traits that can at times be productive, and at times be counterproductive. What patterns are getting in the way of you communicating in your best and most outcome-oriented way?

Create a plan. If you tend to avoid, challenge yourself to stay present. If you lean on the defensive side with criticism, try curiosity: “tell me more about this” or “help me understand more about your perspective.”

Create space between stimulus and response. You know your triggers, so as stated above, identify your interpretation, i.e. what you’re telling yourself about the trigger. This allows you to act more intentionally, vs being run by your defense mechanisms. Much like above, you might say “I appreciate what you’ve shared, but I want to provide a thoughtful response, so let’s meet back up at x o’clock to discuss further.”

Avoidance perpetuates fear, and makes that fear even bigger in our minds. If you’re noticing this, bring it up in session.